Sharing the Pain
by Whinnie
Summary: Rukia laughed at herself. "I know what to do for him now. He let himself be cut because of me, lost so much blood for me. Now, I can do the same for him ..."


**Whinnie****  
p r e s e n t s**

**...**

**_Sharing the Pain

* * *

_****__**

**D I S C L A I M E R  
**I don't own BLEACH... and for once, I'm glad, otherwise my crappy version would never sell and I'd never be able to finish it in the first place, anyway... XD Ahem, everything mentioned here is © Tite Kubo.

**A U T H O R ' S - N O T E  
**Weeeeeheeee! My first IchiRuki. Now, even though I'm obsessed with BLEACH and all, I don't really know if Ichigo and/or Rukia are in character here... Sorry if there is any OOC-ness, I tried my best to minimize it and all. '-'  
Rated for teen issues (i.e.: depression, cutting, etc.), as well as Ichigo's constantly bad mouth.  
All you really need to know is that this takes place after the Soul Society arc, exactly when, I don't know, but let's just say that Rukia is back to living in Ichigo's closet without the knowledge of his family...

This is for my dearest new friend, **Afug**. She writes awesome IchiRuki fics, and she helped me a lot in the making of this story. I dedicate this piece solely to her! Thank you so much! (Hugs.)

Don't forget, biatches, read and review, but most of all, enjoy. :)

**F Y I. . .  
**_aishiteru_– I love you  
_baka_ – idiot  
_gigal_ – physical body  
_gikongan_ _(Soul Candy)_ – a pill that, when swallowed, forces your soul out of its _gigai_ and places a substitute soul inside instead_  
kônso – _soul burial  
_shinigami – _soul reaper... yes, SOUL REAPER, not DEATH GOD, ppl! This is NOT Death Note!!  
_shunpo – _flash step (a move used by soul reapers to move quickly from one place to another)

* * *

_"I'm pathetic... so pathetic..._

_"I'm not worth saving... not worth shedding blood over..."_

"Hey. Hey, baka, wake up!"

She felt a hand shake her shoulder, roughly but gently, as she pried her eyelids open. Rukia Kuchiki looked up, forced out of her nightmare, to see the face of shirtless Ichigo Kurosaki staring from above her.

"Are you okay?" he asked her. "You were saying something about blood and being pathetic, and I couldn't go to sleep."

"Huh?" Rukia blinked. Suddenly, she remembered her nightmare. "Oh, yeah," she admitted quietly, "I had a dream. I guess I was talking in my sleep." She gave a sigh. "Sorry about that."

"You're crying."

"What?!" Rukia's eyes widened. It was then that she felt the sticky trail the tear had made on its way down her cheek and off her chin.

Ichigo handed her a tissue. She silently took it and dabbed at her eyes with it, making sure to wipe away every last trace, as he turned around, heading back to his bed. "So," he casually asked, "what was your dream about?"

"None of your business," Rukia replied. She was back to her own smooth self.

"Yeah? Well, now it is. So tell me." He smirked at her.

"No!" Rukia threw the balled-up tissue at him. It only sailed a few meters, before effortlessly hitting the ground, in between them.

Ichigo chuckled at her antics, turning to look out the window. Rukia glared at his back, before demanding, "And why are you up so late?"

He sighed. "Let's see... I have two school projects... a bunch of tests next week... and a quiz tomorrow. Is that a good enough reason for you?" He smirked. "Oh, yeah, and a freakin' hollow came by while you were sleeping, too," he added in.

"What?!" Rukia jumped out of the closet. "Why didn't you tell me?!" she yelled.

Ichigo cringed. "Don't yell," he hissed in a soft voice. "You don't want my whole family to hear and wake up, do you?!"

"Right." Rukia rolled her eyes, but she complied and lowered her voice. "Well? I'm waiting for an answer..."

"Why would I wake you up for a hollow?" Ichigo snapped. "I can take care of it myself. Besides, whenever I wake you up, you always end up planting your foot in my face!"

Rukia's eyes narrowed, and she and Ichigo were both locked into a glaring contest. However, it ended a few seconds later, when Rukia glanced down at her wrist, frowning. Ichigo followed her gaze, and his eyes widened.

"Rukia! What the hell?!" he angrily asked, grabbing her arm to take a closer look. A single cut was scratched onto her pure skin. "Did you do this yourself?" he incredulously asked her. Rukia lowered her eyes, not wanting to look into his. "Rukia! Answer me, damn it!" He dropped her forearm and grabbed her shoulders instead, forcing her to look up at him.

Rukia let out a sigh. "All right," she muttered. "Yes, I did it myself," she replied, ignoring his bugged-out stare, "but only because I've never tried it before... and they made it sound interesting..."

Ichigo's mind briefly flashed back to the special assembly held at school this morning. Someone had come in to talk about depression and cutting. Ichigo remembered how Rukia had been so interested in the whole thing.

"But don't people get depressed in Soul Society?" he had asked her as they were walking home.

"Not usually," was her short reply. "A few people might, but they don't really know that it's a disease or anything."

Ichigo had been glad for the assembly, because it meant a period or two of no classes, but now, he was cursing it. _"Goddamn idiots... if they hadn't come today, Rukia wouldn't have been so compelled to..."_

"Rukia." Ichigo closed his eyes. Rukia shivered. She had never heard him use that tone before. "Whatever you do, don't... ever... do that **again**."

"Agreed," Rukia instantly promised. She had a feeling that Ichigo wasn't in a mood for her attitude right now. "But... why?" she asked. "It bled a lot, but it didn't hurt that bad..."

Ichigo sighed, opening an eye to glance at her. Rukia's eyes were wide open and questioning. She wasn't challenging him; this was a question born from genuine curiosity. He paused.

"Just... don't," he finally answered. "Some people are sick, and they like it, because they think it takes away all their problems. But it doesn't. It's not good for your health. It only causes more, bigger problems, and some people even die from it." He opened his other eye. "So no more cutting, okay?"

"All right." Rukia smiled, satisfied. Ichigo grinned back, patting her on the head. "Come on, shorty," he told her, turning around. "Put a band-aid on and get to bed. Otherwise both of us might not make it to school on time."

"Don't call me that!" Rukia snapped, kicking him, but then she stopped. All along Ichigo's back were large, deep cuts and gashes. She froze, staring at them, unable to tear her eyes away.

Ichigo looked back at her. "What?" he asked her monotonously. "Why'd you stop?"

"What about the cuts on your back?" Rukia asked, finally looking away. "Isn't that cutting, too?"

Ichigo sighed. She still didn't get it. "Um, no," he replied flatly. "Cutting is when you cut or harm yourself deliberately..." He sighed, drifting off, hating how he sounded like some crappy health book. "I got these because of _you_." He flopped out on his bed.

"...Huh?" Rukia's voice was soft and wavered slightly. The voice in her head suddenly came back. _"I'm not worth shedding blood over..."_

"At Soul Society," he reminded her, not catching her shaky tone. "You were about to be executed. Don't you remember? Kenpachi, Byakuya, and Renji were..."

Rukia's eyes widened. The voice inside her head became louder. _"Pathetic... not worth saving... deserve to die..."_

"Rukia?" Ichigo was now sitting up and staring at her intently. "Hey, are you all right or something? You look..."

"I'm fine," she told him, turning around and heading back into the closet. She located the bedsheets, grabbing them and hoisting them up over her body. "Go to sleep. Sorry for waking you up. Goodnight, Ichigo."

"Huh?" The orange-haired teenager was dumbfounded for a second. "_Rukia never apologizes! And this sudden mood swing... What's up with her all of a sudden?"_ However, he was snapped out of his reverie as the closet door heavily slid back into its original position, making a slamming noise. "Hey, Rukia, ya dumbass! Sheesh," he grumbled, flipping the lights off and grabbing his own blanket.

Inside the closet, Rukia lay, remembering. _"He risked his own life for me. All those cuts... all the blood he shed... all the stuff he went through... all for me..."_ Rukia closed her eyes tightly. _"I don't deserve it... I never did._" Suddenly, she came to the bitter realization that, maybe, just maybe... _"I'm ruining his life."_

Rukia inhaled sharply, opening her eyes. "If I tell him that, he'll deny it," she whispered into the darkness. _"But I know he's lying. That's why he never smiles."_ "It's because of me," she told herself quietly, remembering his exact words. "I knew it. I really **am** pathetic..."

Rukia knew that she was also quite stubborn and determined. _"I'm going to undo this mess,"_ she told herself._ "I'm going to pay Ichigo back for what he did for me. I'll do it for him, because I know he'll never be able to do it."_

Rukia had no idea of what she was going to do, but she knew she was going to do **something**.

* * *

Rukia slowly shifted on her bed. Her eyes gently fluttered open, and she rubbed at them, as if to erase the tears of last night. She still felt so tired, and suddenly wondered what time it was.

Slowly and quietly, she pushed the closet door aside and frowned. The sky was only beginning to brighten, from a jet black to a dark blue. Rukia quickly glanced at the digital clock beside Ichigo's bed. It read 5:45.

She lightly hopped off her own bed, and walked over to the side of Ichigo's bed. He was sound asleep, his eyes shut, and he was lying on his stomach, shirtless, just like last night.

Rukia frowned, staring at the slashes on his back. She lightly traced all the cuts, her fingers softly skimming his skin, and then she looked back down at her wrist. Even in the darkness, she could see the own cut she herself had made yesterday.

Rukia's eyes darkened. She glanced at her wrist, and then at Ichigo's scar-filled back. She remembered what she had promised herself. _"I'm going to pay Ichigo back for what he did for me. All the pain he went through, all the suffering... those cuts and the blood he shed... all for me, and I didn't even deserve it."_ She looked at Ichigo's face. Although he was still wearing a frown, he looked more peaceful. His voice suddenly echoed in her ears. _"...and some people even die... So no more cutting, okay?"_

Rukia's eyes widened in realization. She knew the solution. She knew exactly how to repay Ichigo. Quickly but quietly, she walked out of the bedroom, remembering to close the door behind her, and slipped down the stairs.

Rukia quickly padded into the kitchen and began to silently rummage through a drawer. She shifted through all the kitchen utensils, stopping when she located the knife. Before she could change her mind, she grabbed it, pushed the drawer shut, and guiltily ran into the bathroom before shakily closing the door behind her.

She rolled up her left sleeve before focusing on the knife in her hand, and then stared at her exposed wrist. "Am I really going to do this?" she whispered. She remembered Ichigo's warnings. _"They think cutting takes away all their problems. But it only causes more, bigger ones, and it's bad for your health."_ Suddenly, from a memory of an event not too long ago, Rukia saw Ichigo in her mind. He had been fighting Renji and Byakuya when they had come to take her back to Soul Society. He was sprawled out on the ground, with a trail of blood leading from his mouth to a pool of red liquid beneath him. The expression on his face told her that he looked absolutely crushed and in pain.

Without thinking, Rukia suddenly tightened her grip around the knife and slashed it across her skin. She stood there for a few minutes, stunned, as blood suddenly appeared and dripped onto the tiled bathroom floor.

Rukia shook, thinking about what she had done. When she regained her senses, she slowly ran the blade through her wrist again. Trembling, she said in a soft voice, "Finally. I know what to do for Ichigo now." In her head, she thought, _"Ichigo let himself be cut because of me. He lost so much blood for me. Now, I can do the same for him."_

She realized that she was shaking, and after this, she only started shuddering even harder.

* * *

Rukia finally left the bathroom. She had stopped the bleeding from her arm and cleaned up the mess on the floor, making sure to leave no trace. No one could find out. _Especially not Ichigo._

She opened the door to Ichigo's room, being careful to make her movements as soft as possible. She noticed the sun was rising, casting sunrays over Ichigo, and she slightly smiled, before shutting the door and jumping into the closet.

She still had the knife with her. Carefully, she concealed it at the top of her bed, where it was shoved in between the wall and the mattress, with only the handle sticking out. Rukia placed her pillow on top of it, and then gently laid her head down, staring up at the ceiling and frowning. She felt guilty. ...Not for what she had done to herself, but for what she had done to Ichigo.

_"I wonder..."_ she thought, closing her eyes and crossing her arms behind her head. _"Does he ever get tired of me in his life? Does he put on a facade to hide his disgust of me? Does he ever wish he never met me?"_ Her frown deepened, and she tried to dismiss these nagging thoughts, turning onto her side to try and return to sleeping. Finally, she groaned, and sat back up.

"Fine, fine," she muttered to herself. "No use trying to get to sleep. I know I won't be able to. I might as well change and get to school now."

* * *

"Ow! Hey, what was that for?"

Ichigo had just woken up for school, and he was already in a bad mood. It didn't help that Kon was irritating him even more than usual, 'accidentally' throwing his perverted magazines at him.

"I'm sorry!" the stuffed plushie screamed as he was chased around the room by Ichigo. "Rukiaaaaaaaaa, help meeeeee!"

Ichigo frowned, suddenly stopping and looking at the closet. He wondered what had happened to the girl inside. By now, she would have angrily stepped out and begun yelling about how hard it was to get dressed in peace, but there was no shinigami barging out and beating Kon up. He headed towards the closet door, pausing, and then softly knocking on it twice. "Hey, Rukia!" he said. "Hurry up! We've gotta go soon or we'll be late!"

Kon had continued running around and screaming even though Ichigo had stopped chasing him, but now he sat on the floor, quiet except for his hard panting. _"Finally,"_ Ichigo thought, sighing in relief. _"Now I can hear." _"Rukia!" he continued to yell, but no one emerged from the closet, and no sound came from behind the closed door.

Ichigo gave an agitated sigh, throwing off his pyjamas and changing into his white and gray school uniform. He was going to be late now, and it was all thanks to that annoying, short, Chappy-loving soul reaper!

A few minutes later, Ichigo was dressed and ready, but Rukia was nowhere to be seen. Angrily, he stomped over to the closet and flung the door aside. _"I don't care if she's changing or whatever,"_ he thought angrily, _"I can always say Kon made me do it. But why the hell isn't she responding to me?!"_ However, his anger was replaced with confusion when he saw that the closet was empty.

He sighed. Why hadn't he considered that she'd probably left all ready? He had been screaming for nothing! Noticing the time, he grabbed his schoolbag and yelled at Kon, "You better not make a sound when I'm gone!" before running down the stairs and out of the house. He would get back at Rukia later.

* * *

She wanted to share the pain with him so bad.

Rukia slowly trudged home after school, feeling quite miserable. Nagging thoughts about Ichigo filled her head, and guilt overwhelmed her mind. She spoke little to anyone and had not eaten much during lunch. Subtly, she lightly touched her wrist with the cuts. She had decided to wear her gray, long-sleeved shirt for her school uniform so that no one could see what she had done.

Rukia frowned, her gaze meeting the ground. She felt overwhelmed, and she didn't know why. She wanted to tell someone about what she'd done. No... she wanted to tell _Ichigo_ about what she'd done. Yet, she felt held back. _"If I tell him, he'll never let me live it down,"_ she bitterly told herself. _"He'll stop me for sure. What am I supposed t—"_

"Rukia!"

Rukia's head snapped up and, for a second, she felt scared. She knew who the voice belonged to even before it had reached her ears. She shivered again, stopping in her tracks.

"Rukia!"

Slowly, she turned around. She saw Ichigo, Ichigo running towards her, the wind ruffling his clothes. She slightly frowned. She had avoided him all day, and she had succeeded, but now, he had caught her.

"Rukia, goddamn it!" Ichigo had caught up with her, and he stood, panting hard. "Where were you?" he demanded. "I was looking for you at lunch, but you weren't with Orihime... and what was with that disappearing act this morning?" He frowned, glaring at her.

"None of your business," Rukia replied, glaring back, as fierce as she could. "It's my personal life. I can do whatever I want!"

"At least tell me when you're leaving so I don't have to waste my time before school looking for your sorry ass and getting late!" he yelled.

Rukia's shoulders slightly slumped forward at that. Looking down at the sidewalk, she muttered, "I just went for a walk this morning before school. Are you happy now?" Her voice rose at the last question, and she was slightly upset, although she hoped it wouldn't show.

Ichigo's frown deepened, sensing that he had slightly gotten too far, although they did this whenever Rukia disappeared. Sighing, he replied, "Yes, I'm happy. Now, let's go home, Shorty."

Rukia slightly smiled, kicking him.

* * *

It was dinnertime for Ichigo and his family. Rukia, after making sure that all the members of the Kurosaki household were downstairs, quickly grabbed her hidden knife and slipped into the bathroom. She inhaled sharply, locking the door and slumping down onto the floor helplessly, her back against the wooden doorframe. She pulled back her sleeve, staring at the damage. She pressed the blade onto her wrist, sharply inhaling as the pain took effect.

As Rukia carved yet another cut onto herself, she closed her eyes, trying to ignore the pain. _"Some people are sick, and they like it..."_ "I wonder, Ichigo," Rukia whispered, "do you think I'm sick as well now that I'm doing this?" She shuddered uncontrollably.

That night, before she unlocked the door and walked out, Rukia wouldn't leave without a dozen new cuts.

* * *

Rukia was silently sitting in the closet, with the door wide open, when Ichigo walked in with her dinner. "Here, eat up," he told her, placing the tray of food beside her.

Rukia didn't budge or look up. She had just gone to Urahara's to bathe and change into Yuzu's pyjamas, and she still clearly remembered what had happened last night. "I'm not hungry," she monotonously replied.

Ichigo simply shrugged. "Are you sure?" he asked her, looking down at her face. "You look like you really need it. What's up?" He collapsed on the chair in front of his desk.

"Nothing. I'm just tired." It wasn't far from the truth.

"Well, if you don't wanna eat, you're gonna have to throw it out."

Rukia walked over to the window with the tray and practically flung the contents into the yard.

* * *

For the next few days, Ichigo was concerned about what was happening to Rukia, but he didn't say anything or try to find out what was going on. _"If it's something about me, or if she wants me to know, then she'll just tell me herself."_

However, one morning, before school, Ichigo knocked on the door of the closet, as usual. To his surprise, it slid open immediately, and he was met face to face with Rukia, still in her pyjamas.

"Rukia?" Ichigo was surprised. "What's wrong? If you don't get dressed soon, you're gonna be late for school..."

"Actually..." Rukia took a deep breath. "I... I don't feel so well. I'm not going to school today." She forced a small smile out. "Could you... please tell them that... I won't be there today?"

"Huh?" Ichigo was dumbfounded for a second. "Well, sure, but... what's wrong? You got a cold or something?"

"I think so..." Rukia frowned, hoping he wouldn't probe anymore. "It's... I'm fine, okay, Ichigo? You just go onto school now, otherwise you'll be late," she told him.

Ichigo smirked. "Since when did you become my mother?" he said sarcastically. Nevertheless, he grabbed his schoolbag and told her, "Just make sure no one sees you around, especially my dad. Later." He headed for the door, pausing. "Oh, and one more thing..."

"Hmm?" Rukia looked at him curiously.

"...You better get better soon, Midget." He tilted his head to the side, looking at her, still smirking. Yet, he was half smiling.

* * *

Rukia did what Ichigo had asked. Even though the house was empty, she did not go downstairs or move around much. Instead, she stayed locked up in the bathroom, cutting herself. Cutting, cutting, cutting. She felt as if she couldn't stop; she was practically obsessed with it. It wasn't that she _was_ enjoying it; on the contrary, she hated it, she hated herself, and the pain was overwhelming. Every time she _did_ try to stop, she remembered Ichigo and all that he had done for her, and she would slice another mark on her skin again. It was a vicious cycle.

"I'm pathetic," she whispered, looking down at her arm triumphantly. It was full of cuts and slashes, full of blood, full of revenge. She felt lightheaded and shaky, and took a deep breath in to calm herself down. Slowly, using the counter, she pulled herself up.

She was shaking... so hard. Rukia looked down wearily at the floor, frowning. She was going to have to clean that mess up before anyone came home.

* * *

When Ichigo came home, he found Rukia in the closet, reading another romance manga. He frowned; she didn't seem to notice that he had returned all ready. However, what really irked him was the long-sleeved top she was wearing over her dress. "Take it off," he told her.

"Huh?" Rukia practically jumped up out of her spot. Frantically, she looked around to see where Ichigo was. "Oh, hello," she calmly replied when she saw him. "I didn't realize you were back."

"Take it off," he told her again.

"Huh?" Rukia blinked, confused.

"Your blouse," Ichigo explained, collapsing onto his bed. "You really look better in a dress without that blouse."

Rukia turned bright red, and was thankful that Ichigo was too busy staring at the ceiling to notice her. "Well..." Rukia was trying her best to not stutter. "I just... I... feel cold... that's all," she managed to get out. After all, she _was_ shivering – she had been doing that a lot lately, and she couldn't figure out why.

Ichigo glanced at her. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked her, getting up and walking over to her. "If you want, I could get you some medicine or something..."

Rukia shook her head.

* * *

Rukia continued to stay at home during the day, wear her long-sleeved tops or jackets, eat and talk little, and hurt herself. She was cold and in pain, always, but she decided to keep it to herself and try to deal with it. She was glad that Ichigo hadn't found out about what was happening.

This continued for a few days, and then, one evening, Rukia's cell phone began to ring. Her eyes widened as they flew over the screen, reading the order. "It's a hollow, in the park!" she told Ichigo.

He immediately jumped up from where he was sitting on his bed, excitedly saying, "Finally!" There had been no hollow sightings for a little while, and he had become restless.

Rukia popped some gikongan into her mouth, and immediately, her gigai fell away, exposing her soul, dressed in the usual black shinigami uniform. "Here," she said, tossing the small container marked **Soul Candy** towards him. He caught it expertly, popping a gikongan into his mouth as well, and then they were practically flying out of the window, using shunpo to head in the direction of the park.

When they had reached the large, green area, Rukia spotted the little child first. The boy was running away from a hollow, yet miserably failing. Before Rukia could do anything else, Ichigo was all ready unsheathing his sword. "Ichigo, wait!" Rukia yelled.

Ichigo, as usual, ignored her. "Rukia, make sure the kid doesn't get hurt!" he told her, yelling back, running towards the monster. "I'll take care of big and ugly here!"

"But—" Rukia stopped, watching Ichigo strike the masked creature, slicing through its arm. It howled in pain, trying to claw at him, but the orange-haired shinigami easily dodged, striking another blow. Rukia sighed, frustrated that Ichigo had refused to listen to her once again, yet glad that the job was getting done. She headed towards the spirit of the child. "Come on," she said, grabbing his arm. "Let's—"

"Goin' somewhere?"

Rukia's eyes widened, and slowly, she turned around, only to come face-to-face with another hollow. _"What the... Where did—" However_, her train of thought was interrupted as she saw the hollow bring an arm down.

Rukia grabbed onto the child tightly and expertly dodged out of the way. As she landed, she brought out Sode no Shirayuki and ordered the ghost, "Run! Don't look back! Just run and get as far away as you can from here!"

"But—" The boy opened his mouth to say something.

"Just—!" Rukia stopped abruptly, looking down at the hand which was holding Sode no Shirayuki. No—the hand which had _held_ Sode no Shirayuki. It had been knocked out of her hand, far away, from the hollow. _"I was so distracted, I couldn't sense it behind me!"_ Rukia realized, using shunpo to dodge the hollow's attack.

Surprisingly, the hollow began to laugh manically. "You soul reapers are so predictable," it roared. "Now I can finally eat the boy as an appetizer, and then devour _you_ as the main course!" With that, it began running towards the defenceless boy, who was too stunned to move.

Rukia's eyes widened in fright and horrified understanding. She yelled out a kido spell, cutting off the hollow's arm. It roared again, in pain and anger, before turning towards her and grabbing her before she could move, tightly enveloping her into its fist. Rukia let out a choke, trying to gasp in air and wiggle out of the hollow's grasp.

"You smell... so delicious..." the hollow hissed, wrapping its fingers even more tightly around her. A strangled scream made its way out of her throat, but the only thought that could register in her brain was about how badly her arm hurt. She could feel the cuts on her skin reopen, and the tears being squeezed out from her eyes unwillingly. And then, she felt the hollow let go of her; and she was falling.

"You bastard!" Rukia heard Ichigo yell. He must've dealt something very hard to the hollow for it to suddenly release her. She closed her eyes tightly, remembering that she was falling, before she hit the grass with a _thud_.

Her arms hurt. She let out a strangled gasp at the pain.

"Gosh, I didn't know you were so heavy..." she suddenly heard someone—_Ichigo_—grumble. Rukia's eyes flew open, and she blinked inquisitively, unable to move. She felt him moving beside her, getting up; and then she saw his face, looking down at her. "You okay? That hollow bashed you up pretty good... and that attempted flying act he gave you just now doesn't seem to help..."

Rukia forced herself to roll over onto her stomach. "I'm fine," she assured him.

Of course, it was a lie; all lies.

Mentally, Rukia laughed at herself for her inability to share her pain with Ichigo. She tried to push herself up using her palms, but as soon as she applied the weight to her wrists, immense pain came from out of nowhere. She gasped, feeling the blood from her cuts spill out and soak through her shinigami robes, and collapsed back onto the ground.

"Rukia...?" Ichigo stared down at said girl. She looked so pale and sick as she attempted to push herself up yet again. Gently, he grabbed her and turned her around into a sitting position. "Lemme see your arm," he told her, starting to reach for it. "I think you broke it when you were fighting."

"No!" For a second, Ichigo thought that he could see panic and fear in Rukia's purple irises, but any trace of it vanished when Rukia firmly repeated, "I'm fine, Ichigo. It's all right – nothing's wrong with me." She pulled her arm away.

"Are you sure?" he asked her, slightly concerned and not convinced in the slightest.

"Yeah." She nodded, getting to her feet with only a slight struggle. "Now let's perform a soul burial on the whole and head back to your place."

However, even after the kônso, Ichigo managed to notice that, on the way back, Rukia's shunpo was slower and smaller.

* * *

Ichigo frowned, unable to get to sleep. He looked at the clock. 1:17 AM.

After Ichigo and Rukia had disposed of the hollow and arrived back in Ichigo's room, Rukia immediately slipped into her gigai and stayed holed up in the closet. When Ichigo had brought her dinner, she refused to have even a bite, and turned down any medicine Ichigo gave her.

Ichigo was confused. _"I wonder what's wrong with her,"_ he asked himself, turning around on his bed, only to see the closet door. He sighed in irritation, frustrated that he couldn't sleep and that he kept thinking about Rukia.

_"Something's wrong with her,"_ he thought to himself. _"I've known her for a long time, and I've never seen Rukia act this way before. She was definitely panicking, even if it was for a second. And she was definitely scared."_ Ichigo paused. _"But of what?"_ Then, he remembered – her arm. She had tried to get up using her arm, but it had been too weak to support her. _"No!"_ she had practically shouted when he had reached over to inspect it.

Ichigo sighed, finally kicking off his blanket and getting up. Silently, he walked over to the closet. He was going to find out what was wrong with Rukia, starting with her arm. Slowly, he pulled the closet door aside and looked down at Rukia's sleeping figure.

He could see her crying.

Ichigo silently sat down beside Rukia. He hated it when girls cried, and he wanted to wipe away her tears, to wake her up and tell her that it would be all right, no matter what the problem was. But first – he needed to know. He knew she was hiding something, but he wanted to find out exactly_ what_ it was. Gently, he grabbed her arm, but then he paused. _"What exactly am I looking for?"_ he asked himself, shaking his head. _"Maybe this is a bad idea..."_

"Ichigo..."

Ichigo's eyes widened and he looked back down at Rukia. Her eyes were closed and she was sleeping, yet he was sure she had whispered his name.

"Ichigo..."

More tears leaked out of her eyes. Ichigo felt her shivering uncontrollably in her sleep. "Rukia, I'm here," he softly replied. "What's wrong?"

"Ichigo." Rukia began to sob.

Ichigo knew something was definitely wrong now. _"Rukia never cries. And now there's this thing with her arm, and that scared look on her face..."_ He frowned. He wanted to find out what was wrong even more than before. Trying to ignore her pleads of his name, he slowly pushed her sleeve up. His eyes widened.

_"No... no way."_ He was shocked._ "I should've guessed that something like this would've happened, after what she did that night."_ He glanced back at Rukia's tear streamed face, trying to understand why she would do something so harmful. It was all starting to make sense now.

Ichigo finally left Rukia's side, closing the closet door without wiping her tears away.

* * *

Rukia blinked. Without bothering to glance at a clock, she could sense that it was already morning. She rubbed her eyes—they were swollen—and sighed, realizing that she must've been crying in her sleep again and remembering her dream from her last night.

She felt weak and tired and so hungry. Slowly and shakily, she got up, throwing the blankets away, and pulled the closet door open. She blinked, not only at the sudden appearance of the sunlight, but also because...

"Oh. Hello, Ichigo," Rukia said to the shinigami sitting backwards in his desk chair. She stepped out of the closet, grimacing at the cold touch of the wood floor beneath her feet, and asked, "Why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be at school?"

Ichigo glanced up at her before he slowly stood up. "Rukia," he simply said, slowly walking towards her until he was standing in front of her and she had to look up at him.

"Hmm?" Rukia blinked. "Wh... what's wrong?" she asked quietly.

He grabbed her arm gently, and she shrank away before she even knew what she was doing. "I know," he simply replied, pushing her sleeve up, exposing her secret. She tried to fight back, to move away from him, but his grip on her was firm and she felt so weak.

"Why, Rukia? You said you'd stop." Ichigo let go of her arm and clasped his hands onto her shoulders. "There's something you're hiding and not telling me about. What's the matter? Is someone forcing you to do this or something?" She didn't answer. "C'mon, Rukia... tell me!" His tone became a bit more forceful.

Rukia gave a small smirk. She remembered, in normal situations, kicking Ichigo all the way to hell and back for bossing her around and touching her. But this was more than just one of their typical arguments.

Rukia took in a big breath. "First of all, Ichigo, just _shut up_," she said, unable to wipe that smirk off her face. It was a good thing she was looking down at the ground, so that Ichigo couldn't see her. "And second of all, I..." She paused. "I..."

"You what?"

"...I'm hungry," Rukia admitted in what she hoped was a sheepish tone, promptly turning around and walking – actually, it was more of a stumble – towards the door.

"Wait." Ichigo stood in her way again. "Don't try to escape, Rukia."

Her expression faltered for a moment. He had caught her acting again, and he was so determined to find out why she had been cutting herself, that he wasn't going to let her go, even though she really _was_ hungry.

"Listen, Ichigo," Rukia told him, stumbling into him because of her inability to stand up straight. She felt that if she didn't get some food _right now_, she would die. He grabbed onto her shoulders to steady her, and she clutched onto his shirt tightly. "It was..."

"What? Why did you do it, Rukia?" Ichigo was staring at her intently.

"I... I..." Rukia slowly slumped against him, shuddering and breathing hard. He held onto her tightly, making sure she wouldn't fall, and slightly tilted her head upwards, so he could see her face.

Her eyes were closed.

Rukia suddenly felt very limp in his arms. Ichigo's eyes widened as he realized; _"She freakin' fainted on me!" _"Rukia!" he yelled out desperately. He lowered himself while supporting her, and gently picked her up with his hands underneath the back of her neck and legs, before running out of the room. He felt her shaking uncontrollably, and he was unable to think of anything else but her.

* * *

"Whoa!" Isshin's eyes practically popped wide open at the sight of Ichigo – his son, _Ichigo!_ – standing in the kitchen, panting hard, and carrying a small, sleeping girl... _bridal style_. "My son!" Isshin pretended to start crying. "You've finally grown up and become a man!"

"SHUT UP!" Ichigo roared, and if he hadn't been holding Rukia, he probably would've planted a well aimed kick on his father's face. "This is serious, Dad!" Ichigo yelled out. "You gotta help her!"

"Huh?" Isshin stopped prancing around the room in celebration and peered down at the girl. She was pretty, very pretty – heh, Ichigo always _was_ good at choosing – but really small. Her skin was a sickening, pale shade, and her body shook violently. She was clutching onto Ichigo tightly, as if she was afraid that she would die if she let go.

"What happened?" Isshin asked, leading Ichigo down to a room in his clinic.

"She just... fainted." Ichigo frowned deeply. He looked back down at Rukia; her teeth were clenched together, and she looked as if she was in pain.

Finally, they reached the examination room. Ichigo gently laid Rukia down on the bed, softly prying away from her grasp on his shirt, and Isshin began to look her over. Ichigo had never seen his father so serious, or so shocked when he looked at Rukia's arms.

"Wow..." Isshin shook his head, hooking Rukia up to an IV machine. "Poor girl, she lost a lot of blood from all these cuts. She's sorely underweight, and really dehydrated, too. It seems like she hasn't eaten for quite a while. In fact, she probably would've... _died_ in a few days. What happened to her?" He stared at Ichigo intently.

"What?" Ichigo asked defiantly. He felt so tense, and he wanted Rukia to wake up so he could talk to her. He knew he was being selfish, but it was for Rukia's own good. "I didn't do anything to her," he continued. "In fact, I don't even know _why_ she's doing this. I need to talk to her." He sat down beside Rukia's bed, glaring at his father as if to challenge him.

"Take it easy," Isshin reminded him. "When she wakes up, feed her and do something to those cuts. And take good care of her." He gave a wink towards Ichigo before leaving.

* * *

_"Pain..._

_"It hurts, so much..."_

Rukia's eyes immediately shot open. _"Where am I?"_ she asked herself, beginning to panic. She felt cold, immensely cold, and she felt goosebumps rising up and down her arms.

_"What?!"_

Rukia shot up, taking in her surroundings. She glanced down at herself. She was... in a bed... Not Ichigo's, nor the mattress in her closet... White sheets covered up half of her body, and her arms were bare. Someone had taken her long-sleeved blouse off, but at least she was still in her dress from before.

She trembled, wanting to cross her arms around her chest, to hide her secret, but the needle in her arm... _"How did it even get there in the first place?"_ she mused to herself.

"Hey."

She practically jumped at the sudden sound. She nervously looked around the room, finally focusing on Ichigo, who had silently stood leaning against the doorway watching her.

Her eyes widened as she remembered something. _"Ichigo knows my secret."_

"You're awake. Here, eat this." Ichigo walked over to her bed and pointed at the tray on the side table. She silently nodded and began to comply, taking it onto her lap and slowly beginning to eat. Although she was famished, she was too nervous to actually taste the food or give into her craving for more.

A few minutes passed in silence, Rukia wearily eating her ramen, Ichigo staring at her intently and deep in thought. Finally, Rukia put her fork down and didn't pick it up again. Ichigo, noticing this, slowly placed a hand on her shoulder, and she looked back up at him, frightened.

"Rukia, what's wrong?" he asked her, bending down in front of her and firmly holding her shoulders. He looked into her face, making her look into his as well; her amethyst eyes, just like her whole figure, trembled, and she closed them tightly. Ichigo stiffened, realized something. _"She's afraid of me."_

"Do you... really want to know?" she whispered.

"I _need_ to know," Ichigo replied. "Why, Rukia? What's wrong? Don't just say that you wanted to cut yourself because of that thing at school – I know you're hiding something. So come on! Tell me all ready so I can help!" He growled when Rukia didn't budge.

"I... I..." Rukia fumbled with her words. "It was..." She mumbled softly so that Ichigo could hardly hear her. "Ichigo, it..."

Ichigo's frown deepened. "What? 'It' what?"

Rukia took a deep breath, opening her eyes that shone with tears. She breathed, "It was because of you."

Ichigo's eyes widened. "What? Rukia, was it..." Ichigo exhaled deeply. No wonder she was afraid of him. "I'm sorry," he practically pleaded. "I'm sorry for whatever I did to you."

Tears rolled down Rukia's cheeks freely; she couldn't stop them anymore. "No, Ichigo!" she cried out. "It's not... your fault... it's just... I'm sorry!" She curled up into a tight ball on the bed, quiet sobs wracking her body.

Ichigo sighed, sitting down on the bed, racking his mind for anything he could have done to hurt Rukia. He glanced back at her, then slowly took her into his arms, and placed her into his lap, stroking her small back. He was confused, and he couldn't think straight. Sighing once again, he asked in a soft voice, "What did I do? Rukia, tell me... and then, you can kick and scream at me all you want..." He smirked slightly.

Rukia slightly raised her head. "It's not you," she whispered back. "Ichigo, I... I thought you hated me." She chuckled dryly, clutching at his shirt. "I thought—"

"What?!" Ichigo's eyes widened in surprise. "Why? Why would I hate you?"

Rukia frowned, closing her eyes. "Because of what I did to you."

Ichigo sighed. "Rukia, you're not making any sense," he murmured. "What? What did you do? I thought _I_ was the one who'd done something wrong, and here you go, saying all this stuff..."

"You came to Soul Society after I was captured. I... I thought you wouldn't come. I _hoped_ you wouldn't come." She gave a small, bitter laugh. "I didn't want to be saved by anyone, least of all you." Her voice turned low and dangerous. "I deserve to die."

"Stop. Stop saying all of this crap, Rukia!" Ichigo dug his hand into her shoulder, but she still continued.

"I twisted your life around... you shouldn't have become a shinigami." She frowned. "You should be a regular teenager, not dealing with ghosts and hollows and Soul Society's affairs. That first night... I should've ignored your spiritual pressure. I should've left you alone." A tear leaked out of her eye.

"Shut up, Rukia. Don't make yourself feel guilty. It's not your fault. Shut up!"

Rukia ignored him. She remembered her dream. "I'm pathetic," she muttered. "I'm not worth saving."

Ichigo closed his eyes and grit his teeth together. At the same time, he clenched his fist. "Why are you saying all this?" he yelled at Rukia.

She turned her head towards him, eyes wide with tears. "Because it's true!" she screamed back, letting go of him. "Because you got hurt so badly, and you almost died... and it's all my fault..." She began to shake and sob quietly again, burying her head in her lap, and then she felt Ichigo's hand through her hair.

"It's not your fault. Stop beating yourself up over it." He gently played with her hair, moving his fingers through her head, messing her locks up and then combing it all out neatly again. He wondered what he was doing and, most importantly, why he was doing it, but he didn't stop. "You know, when you had to go back to Soul Society... I thought it was my fault," he confided. "I thought you blamed me for not being strong enough to be able to stop Renji and Byakuya. And... I thought you hated me for having you executed, too." He sighed. "Being guilty isn't going to change anything that happened in the past. And I don't hate you, so don't think that either, all right?" He nudged her gently.

"But..." Rukia gave a deep sigh.

"Is that why you... cut yourself?" Ichigo slowly asked. He didn't want Rukia getting all emotional again.

She nodded wearily. "I saw... all those cuts on your back... and I thought you hated me for it." She bit her lip and, fearfully, looked up at him. "So I... took it out on myself... because I thought that was what you wanted me to do... and I thought that I was ruining your life."

Ichigo sighed. "Look, Rukia," he firmly said. "Although you're annoying and everything sometimes, I don't _hate_ you. You're my friend, and you're not ruining _anybody's_ life. And becoming a shinigami... well..." He paused. "That was probably the best part of my life ever since my mother died." He smiled at her.

"Well, whatever you say..." Slowly, Rukia pushed her way off of Ichigo's lap and onto the bed, still shivering. Ichigo grabbed her arm before she could move away from him any further.

"You're still not convinced, aren't you?" He sighed. Rukia practically froze at his touch, unable to move, wondering how he knew and how he could do this to her. "You still feel guilty," he stated, pulling her back towards him. She looked away. _"He's going to change my mind,"_ she knew, _"because once he wants to do something, he does it and make sure it's done."_ She inwardly flinched.

"Aishiteru."

Rukia's eyes widened before they shifted over to Ichigo. He had let go of her arm, and now looked at her plainly.

"Ichigo..." Rukia's eyes trembled as she turned to fully face him. Ichigo's breath caught in his throat as he waited for her reaction, though he was all ready pretty sure he knew what it would be.

He wasn't ready for what happened next.

_She kissed him._

Rukia pulled Ichigo towards her, trembling, but still her lips made contact with his. She leaned against him, on her knees, holding him tightly and kissing him, wishing to never let go. Instinctively, Ichigo closed his eyes and encircled her by her waist, pulling her closer towards him. They stayed like that, for just a moment, locked in each other's embrace, locked in a moment of passion, of desire... of love.

Finally, Rukia pulled away, gasping for air, but still she managed to say, "You can't love me."

"Why?" Ichigo was afraid of this, although his fear was invisible; he was afraid that she wouldn't return his feelings; afraid that she wouldn't because she felt that he had failed to protect her.

"The rules," Rukia replied quietly. "A shinigami cannot love a human, otherwise the balance between Soul Society and the world of the living will be disturbed."

"What? That's all?" Ichigo wanted to laugh out of relief. "They'll never find out, Rukia. Promise."

Rukia muttered something, looking down at the bed. _"Don't look at him,"_ she repeated to herself sternly. _"I have never had to look down in shame or secrecy before someone, but no matter what now, don't look up. Don't look, don't look."_

"Huh?" Ichigo blinked, knowing something else was up. "What's wrong, Rukia?"

"You... deserve someone better than me." She closed her eyes, clenching her fists so hard that her nails pierced her palm. She tried hard not to stammer, but to talk in a calm tone of voice. "If you get too close to me, you'll die... you'll get killed because of me. But, I... I guess I can't change your mind now, huh?" She chuckled softly.

"I love you too, Ichigo Kurosaki."

* * *

"Rukia, go to sleep... I'm heading up." Ichigo stood up from where he had been sitting beside Rukia, on the edge of the bed. He had been applying alcohol to her arms, to help heal the cuts. As she slowly climbed into the bed, he lightly covered her with the white blanket that matched the bed. "Goodnight." He turned around to leave.

"Wait." She paused. "Ichigo, I... feel so cold, and... I don't know why." She sighed. "What's wrong with me?"

Ichigo frowned, turning back to look at her. Her arms were crossed, and she was curled up; even through the blanket, he could see her small form shivering very hard, but trying not to show it.

"Scoot over," he commanded, crawling into the bed. Her eyes widened momentarily, but when he slowly wrapped an arm around her, she snuggled up against him.

He smiled as he felt her whisper, "Goodnight, Ichigo. Aishiteru," and watched her fall asleep, her lips slightly curled up in a tiny smile. He lightly touched her arm, feeling the cuts, tracing them, wishing them away, wanting her to be untainted like before. He sighed, closing his eyes, picturing how small she was. Rukia had always been a tiny person, but when she began cutting herself, she had stopped eating, and then she had stopped growing. He hugged her close, wanting to keep her beside him forever. Finally, he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

Sometime at night, Ichigo abruptly woke up. He blinked, feeling a weight on his chest; looking down, he saw Rukia curled up on top of him. Somehow, she had managed to roll over onto his body, and now lay there serenely. He blinked, and saw her crying silently once again.

"Hey... Rukia," he grunted out softly, gently shaking her as he slowly got up. As he sat up, Rukia's head slipped from his chest to his lap. "Rukia," Ichigo whispered into her ear. "Wake up for just a second, OK?" He shook her some more.

Rukia's eyes slowly slid open. "Ichigo...?" she said in a questioning tone, and her eyes widened again as she felt the tears.

"What's wrong?" Ichigo sighed, wiping her tears away. Sleepily, she turned onto her side, but he shook her awake again. "Rukia!"

Reluctantly, she replied with her eyes closed, "A dream. About... a hollow." She paused.

"And...? Go on," Ichigo urged her.

Rukia sighed. "We... we fight it. You and me. And, I... it breaks your zanpakutou, and takes over you." Her eyes opened, and Ichigo thought he saw fear once again. "I run away, because you tell me to... and the hollow comes after me in your body, and I... _I kill you._" Her eyes darkened, and she clutched onto him.

Ichigo sucked in a breath. _"So that's why... It all makes sense now..."_ "It's all right, Rukia," he murmured. "Is that why you were saying my name in your sleep yesterday? Because of your dream?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I was talking in my sleep yesterday?" She seemed amused. "And how do you know?"

"How do you think I found out about your secret?" He chuckled at her, then stopped to ask her the question he had wanted to for so long. "You were afraid of me. Is that why?"

"Hm?" Rukia sat up, but her head was lowered. Her eyes did not stray up to meet his; her hands played with his, intertwining their fingers around each other.

"It's okay, Rukia." Ichigo's other hand, which had rested on her shoulder, tightened its grip on her slightly. "You don't need to be scared. I'll... I promise I won't hurt you. Ever."

"It's not that," Rukia admitted reluctantly. With a sigh, she murmured, "I'm scared... of being called a murderer." She let go of Ichigo's hand. "It already happened once before... but if I kill you..." She looked up at him, finally, for the first time. "If I kill you, I will kill myself," she whispered.

"That'll never happen," Ichigo replied firmly, falling back onto the bed, pulling Rukia back with him. She let out a surprised yelp, glancing towards him. His eyes were closed, and he wrapped an arm around her. She let out a small smile.

"Rukia... I love you."

"I love you too, Ichigo." She closed her eyes and let out a deep breath, pulling him close towards her. She had finally figured out that it was so much better to share the pain.


End file.
